[♪]
♪ I used to be the queen of the music scene♪
♪ Cristal, Prada, limousines ♪
♪ I was living large 'til trouble found me ♪
♪ Now I'm stuck in hell suburbia ♪
♪ Never knew what two kids could do to ya ♪
♪ Soccer moms and car pools make me scream ♪
♪ (screams) ♪
♪ This is gonna be tough ♪
♪ But I've got to ma-ma- mother up! ♪
Tag, you're it! Now you chase me!
(screaming and laughing)
Tag! Now you chase me!
(screaming and laughing)
Mom? Hey, mom.
Would you like to go for a bike ride
or, or, or play catch or go fishing
or, or build a model airplane!?
No, not right now. Maybe later.
No, definitely never.
(screaming and laughing)
Oh, I could listen to the sounds
of kids playing all day long.
It doesn't make you want to
step in front of a train?
No. Oh, should it?
It's endless.
Day in, day out the same thing.
Kids, kids and more kids.
I miss my old life.
But they were part of your old life.
And so were nannies and a job.
Now my whole identity is being a mom.
There's more to me than that.
I miss talking to adults
about things other than kids.
I miss not knowing what a playground looks like.
I miss me!
The kids are in school all day,
you could get a job.
Around here? I was a six figure record executive
with an office over looking Times Square.
Aaaahhhhhhhhhh!
I'm going to get you!
(screaming)
You think I can find a job
where they make me deaf?
And the name tag goes right above the pocket.
And then at the end of every shift
you clean the toilets.
But mostly we just need someone
to keep our elderly clients company.
Well, I tried but nobody was hiring.
Don't give up, you're gonna find something.
Through suffering we receive our most
rewarding successes,
except for people who are terminally ill.
(doorbell)
I deserved that.
What do you want, Jeffrey?
Oh! I think that's her ex-husband.
This better not be a visit from the
trouble fairy because I think you'll find
I pack quite a bit of pixie dust.
I'm here to apologize to Rudi.
And to give you these. Divorce papers.
I know you probably want to move on with your life
and the least I owe you
is not getting in your way.
Dad!
Apple, it's dad!
Daddy!!
Hey, guys. I missed you.
I wanted to get here sooner but, you know,
work and stuff.
I know it's a lot to ask but could I spend
some time with the kids today?
I bet there's something around here
that's fun to do.
Can we, please? Please, mom?
Please please please!
Of course. A little time away from me -
I mean, with your dad -
would be good.
Dick, why don't you go start the car.
Thanks, Rudi.
Nice to meet the two of you as well.
Something's up. Polite, nice to strangers,
spending time with his kids...
That is not the kind of man I married.
Hm. Maybe he's changed.
Impossible.
People are incapable of change.
What!? Aren't you a life coach?
Exactly, and that is life coaching 101:
accept what you are and deal with it
since you will never experience
change or growth.
If science has taught us anything
it's that humans can't evolve.
Nuh..
Dick and Apple sure were excited.
Children are always the ones who get hurt
when parents separate.
Seeing their dad is good for them.
If only we could bottle the happiness of a child.
What world then, I ask?
I'm going to go make sure my son's happy cup
is full of joy juice!
You might wanna think about rephrasing that.
After all the stories you told us about Jeffrey
I was surprised he was so nice to you and the kids.
I know. I mean, he was a completely
unreliable jackass, but looking back,
we did have our share of good times.
♪ ♪
Right, well. That all sounds more like
you miss other stuff, not him so much.
Who said anything about missing him?
Honey, I'm home!
Oh, Lord, what now?
Cheese!
Oh, the poor thing.
Here all by herself, that's so sad.
Guys, I know this was supposed to be
our special day but what do you think about
going around the zoo with her
so she has some company?
Okay.
I guess.
You really are good kids.
Come on. Let's go introduce ourselves.
What do you want this time
and why are you dressed like you're
going to sell me a time share?
It's the game, rude - the biz.
Hip-hop is stagnating.
Bitches, cars, bling - that's tired, man.
Needs a new direction.
Needs a visionary.
That's where I come in.
I'm gonna make an eleven disc
concept album about normal middle
mother-(beep)in' class life.
But if I'ma do that, I gotta experience
middle class for reals.
So say hello to your new husband
and father of your kids.
You've got to be kidding.
Mommy, we had the best time ever!
I love animals now.
When I grow up I'm going to be a veterinarian!
Hi 2bit, can I play with snowball?
Sure.
Bye, daddy!
I'm not going anywhere.
Here, snowball!
Not you!
I'm not with him.
Completely your decision.
I know that.
Dad, can we see you again tomorrow?
Pleeease?
Well, I'd like that, Dick,
but it's up to your mom.
And you gotta do your chores first.
Shut up and go to a different room.
Yeah, that's exactly the kind of married stuff
I need to get my creative juices pumping.
So, about those divorce papers...?
I haven't had a chance to read them over.
You can maybe come back again tomorrow.
Okay, sure.
Rudi, you're going to get hurt again.
What?
Getting back together with Jeffrey,
it isn't going to bring the old you back.
I'm not getting back with him!
No, it's just some free babysitting.
I mean, it's good for the kids to see their father,
you taught me that.
The kids are going to be mad at you
if this doesn't work out.
And thank you for lawns to mow,
weather to talk about
and my two weeks' vacation a year. amen.
So kids, tell me all about
your adventures today.
We saw these animals: A porcupine, a deer,
another deer, a horse, a goat, a donkey-
yeah, so lots of animals, that's great.
And we made friends with an old lady.
What do you mean?
There was a really old lady there all by herself
and daddy said we should make friends with her
so she would have-
that son-of-a-bitch!
Hey! We got rules about cussing at the table!
That's a good husband.
But she said she'd be here.
Women, right?
You should meet my wife - ball and chain.
Did she leave any papers for me?
She was supposed to sign divorce papers.
I look like a mailman to you?
Hold up! That's what I'm missing.
I gots to get a job.
You think they're hiring?
Daddy's back!
What do you want to do today, dad?
Will you take us somewhere else?
Can we go to the zoo, or a pet store?
Let's go bird watching!
Not today.
Please, daddy?
I said no!
Come on, Apple, lets go play.
I'm sorry, kids.
Don't tell your mom.
Hey, fake dad, your turn to look after
the real kids.
No damn respect. I am a man, damn it!
House is my castle!
What happened?
Why did you change your mind?
I thought you wanted to see Jeffrey again.
I could maybe believe he turned over a new leaf
and wanted to be a more involved dad...
Impossible.
Or that he wanted to make it easier
for me to move on.
Can't happen.
But there is no way he would ever,
ever want to be around an old person.
It's one of the things we first bonded over.
Disgusting!
Make it go away! Make it go away!
♪
Everybody's going to get old.
Well, maybe not Jeffrey.
Oh, don't look at me like that.
If Jeffrey's hanging out with some gross oldie
then he's running some scam.
Would you hurry up. We're going to lose him.
No, we're not! Oh, lost him.
Dammit!
Wait, I see him!
Gasp! Oh, my God! He's a necrophilic.
That woman's not dead.
She may as well be. Look at her.
Oh, he is sooooo predictable.
Do you know her?
Josephine goldblood.
Sole heir to goldblood pharmaceuticals
and richer than the pope.
There's only one reason he would ever touch
a ball-busting old crone like that:
money.
But why do you care?
Because I need to win the relationship
and end up better off than him!
Don't swim with a negativity anchor
or you'll drown.
The same rule applies with real anchors.
Rest in peace, pop-pop.
I mean, I'm doing it for the kids.
Think of the kids. The kids.
You know how happy they were yesterday.
The minute I sign those papers, he's gone again.
I never thought of that.
I hate losing so if anyone comes out of
the divorce a winner it's going to be me.
But mostly because of the kids.
Now what!?
You're a terrible wife!
So I found me a woman on-line, I married her
and I adopted two kids from an orphanage.
This is Claire - we were college sweethearts
and we both like doing puzzles.
This is my son, Darnell.
He struggles a bit in school but he'll get it.
And this is little tempest -
she was unplanned but we love her anyway.
I gotta run. I'm working the night shift
at the cheese factory.
Why don't you have the papers?
I was supposed to pick them up this morning.
She wasn't there. I'll work it out.
I won't let you down, baby.
My one regret in life is not having a family.
You promised to fix that.
Get those papers and file for custody
of those damn kids or you'll end up
in a pauper's grave like my first six husbands!
I'll make it happen!
Yes, you will.
Now make long, tantric love to me
while there's new blood in my body.
Uhh, right now?
(whimpering)
Hey Rudi.
Wow!
Anyway, those divorce papers...
I can't.
Jeffrey, seeing you again -
I can't deny my feelings.
I'm going to fight for you, for what we had.
It's worth fighting for.
I want to get back together
and be a family again!
What?!
I know it's a big decision, honey,
so if you need time to think about it
you know where to find me.
I don't have time for this now.
Make time, Mr. Man!
How we supposed to afford nice things
on a paycheck like this?
You could get a job.
So being a mom's not a job?
Raising our kids and keeping house isn't work?
I didn't say that.
Trish and her family are going to Mexico.
They invited us to come
so what exactly should I tell them?
That we'd love to except my husband
can't earn a man's paycheck!
Fine. I'll get a second job.
Is that what you want?
Just for a little while, not forever.
And get milk on your way home!
Best put that look back in your pocket,
miss thang.
(pounding on door)
I'll get it.
Josephine Goldblood.
I thought you'd be here a lot sooner.
What are you playing at,
you little hotten-tot slapper?
Jeffrey's mine until I decide otherwise.
That's how relationships with me work.
Sign the damn papers!
No.
Jeffrey will be mine,
and when we file for custody
so will your kids.
Look, you withered old sack, if you even
think about getting between me and my kids
I will destroy you.
I have all the money and lawyers in the world.
How hard do you think it will be to make you
look like a bad mother to a judge?
Enjoy your seven hour walk back to the car.
She wants to take your kids?
Oh, what are you going to do?
She's got more money and connections than God
but I'm a good mother, right?
"Good" can mean a lot of things.
Your kids are great and they love you
and they're happy and people will see that.
Holy crap, I might lose my kids!
You can't give up.
That is not the Rudi Wilson I know.
She's the type of woman-
give it back!
You're wrecking our game!
Aaaaaaaahhhhh!
We're supposed to be playing water tag!
I want to play water tag!
I could listen to the sound of kids playing
all day long.
Oh, she has a plan!
I think she has a plan.
Do you have a plan?
Yes, I do.
Dick, Apple, hop out and get dressed.
And Apple, bring the bear.
Finish your lunch, guys.
Mommy's got dessert.
Thanks, mom!
Hi lady from the zoo!
I need to use the bathroom right now!
Go see your dad, kids.
Daddy, daddy, daddy!
Let's do something right now!
I wanna play! Let's wrestle!
Tickle fight!
I'm just a single suburban mom.
I can't compete with your money and influence
so I figured the kids should at least
get to know you a little bit first.
Didn't I tell you - I always get what I want.
Sarah - you like all that organizing crap -
wanna help me throw together a wedding?
Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
That's tight.
2bit, we need to talk.. Now!
I'm working here. Yo, listen to this track,
it's gonna blow your mind.
I'm pregnant, with twins.
What?!!
Your broke ass is gonna have two more
mouths to feed - diapers, cribs, formula.
How? We're barely getting by on two checks.
Maybe quit playing rockstar
and sell all of this crap.
It's time to grow up.
...And away!!
Giddy up, giddy up.
I'm a cowgirl!
Enough! Give it a rest.
I had too much sugar.
You said I could have another ride!
I wanna go again!!
It's going to be a busy day.
I still don't understand what's going on.
Just make sure the minister's here on time.
Wow, early drop off.
That's a good sign.
Mommy, I had diarrhea and nightmares all night.
And I threw up and got a headache.
Oh, God. You guys look and smell like
you've been at an all night rave
in an outhouse. go get cleaned up.
All right, you two get ready.
It's almost show time.
So, how was the sleep-over?
Are they always that intolerable?
They do have a lot of energy.
I sure hope they didn't get sick because
that's like three or four times a week.
Oh, don't blame Jeffrey.
He never helped out with the kids
when we were together.
Some men think all that stuff is women's work.
You look like you could use a coffee, Josephine.
I would gladly kill for one.
Oh, just remembered. Out of coffee.
Jeffrey, could you run to the store and grab some?
I'm kind of-
Jeffrey!
I know it's impolite to interrupt grown-ups,
but we were wondering if
you could introduce us to your friend.
She is beautiful, Darnell,
and she's lived so long and seen so much.
Just imagine the stories she could tell.
And just who are these two angels?
Orphans - yours for the taking.
My idiot friend 2bit was in the process of
adopting them, but he's kind of unreliable.
You want kids, they need a home,
here's the beautiful thing;
they've suffered so much and have had so little
they're going to appreciate every little thing.
They'll idolize you.
What's your game?
Just a momma bear protecting her cubs.
Why settle for my kids
when you can have ones like these?
Deal.
Well, then, I guess it's just up to Jeffrey,
but don't worry, you'll get what you want.
Darnell, would you be a dear and take the coffee
from Jeffrey and make a pot.
Of course.
Dick, Apple, come on down when you're done.
Family meeting in the backyard.
It was short notice.
I did the best I could.
It looks great. Good job, Sarah.
What the hell are you doing?
Winning.
Thanks for coming, everybody.
Jeffrey, I've made my feelings clear
and you know how Dick and Apple feel about you.
So what's it going to be, Jeffrey?
Me and the kids or the oldie with all the cash?
Okay - let's sign those papers.
We are gathered here today in the presence of
the holy spirit.
Sorry about your dad.
That's okay. We like it here with you better.
It's nice seeing you all the time
instead of the nanny,
and we never really saw daddy that much anyway.
Well, you weren't missing much!
Even though I'm sure you had your reasons
for liking him.
How did you know for sure that he
wouldn't pick you and the kids?
He loves money more than being a parent.
It's like Darwin said,
people aren't capable of growth or change.
I don't know, Greg. I think I kinda did.
Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Look at me, mom! Look at me!
I see you, sweetie.
Can I play?
Yeah!
So what happened to your wife?
I took her to the company picnic
and she ran off with my supervisor.
Women.
I hear ya, bro...
Every last one of them... Crazy.
Oh!
My bad.
♪ Five bedrooms, a pool and a picket fence ♪
♪ Made a couple dollars ♪
♪ Everything's finally making sense ♪
♪ Couple parking spots ♪
♪ I ain't thinking 'bout a parking lot ♪
♪ Neighbour's right across got dogs ♪
♪ They don't bark a lot ♪
♪ Do me a favour ♪
♪ Go and tell the noisy neighbours I'm gone ♪
♪ I'm at a barbecue ♪
♪ And got a gardener raking my lawn ♪
♪ A couple bags, you'd think ♪
♪ That I was diggin' mulan ♪
♪ And all you haters move on ♪
♪ It's the good life ♪
♪ I'ma live the good life oh oh♪
♪ I don't miss the hood life no ♪
♪ Take my word, baby, take my word ♪
♪ Everything's a whole lot better in the suburbs ♪
♪ Time for me to let go oh oh ♪
♪ I don't miss the ghetto no ♪
♪ Take my word, baby, take my word ♪
♪ Everything's a whole lot better ♪
♪ In the suburbs ♪
♪ Uh! And I'ma live that life ♪
♪ Yeah, I'ma live that life ♪
♪ I'ma live that life because ♪
♪ Everything's a whole lot better ♪
♪ In the suburbs ♪